Dear Prada Versace,

I’m an insomniac. I’ve always had a problem sleeping — until lately. After speaking with my doctor, he prescribed me these really strong sleeping pills. He said I should use them for two weeks, and then stop.

The problem is, I can’t stop taking them. I tried sleeping one night without the pills and ended up staying awake until 7 a.m. and only got one hour of sleep.

I take them every night, now, and get the pills from a friend who works at a pharmacy since my doctor won’t prescribe them anymore. I know this isn’t healthy. Do you know of any other way to get to some sleep without pills?

Thanks,
Melinda

Dear Sleeping-with-the-Enemy,

Could you give me the name of your pharmacist friend, darling? My former connection had an unfortunate accident during an experiment and is out of commission. He was attempting to combine the active properties of Viagra and Prozac and discovered rather uncomfortable results. It is a good thing he had not planned on having children in the near future.

Sleeping is overrated, in my opinion. Of course, I spend the majority of my day absolutely snockered — which could be considered sleeping. But if you need help, darling, Prada is here to aid your needs.

One useful, and popular, technique I have heard from one of my columnist colleagues is to drink a glass of wine before bed.

But one glass? How silly is that? Having only one glass before bed would be like licking a lollipop once and tossing it away. I bet he meant to say one bottle. That is the only way to even get close to a semi-inebriated state.

So here is what you should do, dear: On the first night of the drinking binge, ingest mass quantities of your drink of choice and a few of your lovely sleeping pills until you pass out. This will provide a form of unconsciousness, also known as sleep.

Each night, slightly wean yourself of the pills and increase your alcohol intake. Now your addiction monster has a different, less harmful target — booze. I can almost guarantee you that, within a month, you won’t think twice about those harmful little pills anymore with a martini in hand.

Well, I must be going, darling. Bertrand is getting antsy. I promised him I would take him to the new Pokemon movie as a bonus for his hard work as my butler, and we are running a tad bit late. Do they still have that ridiculous rule that you can’t bring alcohol into the theater? Preposterous. Ta-ta.

Love,
Prada Versace

Disclaimer

The Shorthorn Bad Advice column is for entertainment purposes only. The columnists who offer advice are fictional characters created and given voices by the Opinion staff. Those who submit letters are giving free rein for their questions to be answered in a satirical, nonprofessional style. No advice should be followed or taken seriously.

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