With the “love” holiday quickly approaching, most of us, at the very least, take a minute to reflect on love. Many people reading this will consider how to celebrate with a boyfriend or girlfriend or perhaps find a way to tell someone you care. Others will celebrate their singleness with fervor, declaring an anti-holiday party. Personally, I’ll be trying to figure out how to show my time and affection to three partners, all whilst not stepping on the toes of my metamour (a partner of my partner).

At this point, I imagine there’s some confusion, so let me clarify:  Yes I’m dating three women — and they all know about each other. Yes one of them is dating someone else and has been for quite some time. No, this isn’t polygamy, which has a religious context, and no, none of this sounds odd or bothers any of us.  As a society, we love many people in many different ways: our parents, siblings, children and best friends. In the those different relationships, most people could agree there is no limit to how many you can love. Why then is it considered unnatural, unethical, reprehensible or even pathological to have more than one lover at a time? This practice of having multiple partners in loving relationships concurrently is known as polyamory, or a polyamorous relationship.

Shocked at my polyamorous status, most people’s initial question  is: “How’s that work?” I say this:  We are adults in a consensual and loving set of relationships.  We all agree honesty, communication and mutual respect are the steadfast rules. Then some ask about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), jealousy and security.  Statistically, the more people you are sexually involved with, the more likely you are to be exposed to an STI. But polyamorous relationships account for additional partners and increased levels of exposure.  Would you rather be in a relationship with a partner whom you know is tested and practicing protected sex with another partner, or one where you believe your partner is monogamous when in fact he or she is venturing outside the relationship with someone unknown to you without rules or boundaries agreed upon by you?

Questions of jealousy and security are only as valid in these relationships as a monogamous one.  Jealousy may very well happen.  When it does, it can invoke deeply unsettling feelings, but it is an emotion — in most cases insecurity — and can be overcome.

Security covers a gamut of issues:  How and where to live, who is responsible for making money and for paying bills and who takes care of children.  Monogamous couples face these issues, too.  Women are capable of providing monetarily for the family, and men are as equally able to keep a home.  If anything, our non-traditional couplings allow for more diverse options of dealing with these questions, which affords us the opportunity to custom-fit a situation in which we are fulfilled, provided-for and responsible parents.

Any relationship, monogamous or otherwise, should be considered based upon its merit to the person and people involved in it.  While not for everyone, polyamory can and does work in the same way traditional ones do.  It takes love, trust and a lot of communication.  If people are diverse enough to build thousands of societies, speak hundreds of languages and continue to produce original art, perhaps “happily ever after” is more complicated than many of us ever ventured to guess.

If Valentine’s Day represents love, why must we make it fit into a box?  Love is grand.  Love has a way of taking the most rational of people and making them emotionally turbulent, from elated to despondent.  Love affects everyone differently even though it is physically similar in most of us.  Love is many different things to many different people.  The one thing that love is not is simple.

— Troy Santana is a criminal justice sophomore and guest columnist for The Shorthorn