Evil Lurks Within

Written by Ray Edward Buffington IV

Tuesday, 23 September 2008 07:20 PM

It is my belief that when people don character costumes, they become evil. This is not a random rant. People posing as “lovable” cartoon characters have attacked me three times in my life. These hit-and-runs were entirely unprovoked and show that even when you wear a mask, your true soul can still rear its ugly head. The first attack happened when I was 15. On a trip at Walt Disney World with my family, locked into “rebellion mode” against the kiddie park, I was pouting with my arms crossed when I spotted the idol of my adolescence – Eeyore from “Winnie the Pooh.” Excited about meeting him, I pushed little kids over and trampled up to the barricade as the sad-looking donkey danced his way toward me. He opened his arms and I opened mine expecting a hug. Just as I was about to wrap my arms around him – WAM! – the grey beast of burden from hell punched me in the forehead and skipped off. What an ass. The one moment I got to be within touching distance of my childhood god, Eeyore pulls a coup de grace to my innocence and runs away. After my parents prevented me from jumping the barricade to lay into the donkey and cooled me down, I realized that the attack was not from a cartoon character but from a disgruntled employee. The Eeyore costume-wearing worker probably had a bad day and decided to take it out on the happy faces of pimple-faced teenagers in the form of brutality. Having a thick costume to divide him from the real world gave him a pass to punch as he pleased. Four years later, I’m at Disney World again with friends. We wanted to experience the park as adults — so partook of after downing a cocktail or two. En route to the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, we ran into Dopey, one of Snow White’s seven dwarves, who was sweeping litter. As I attempted to skirt him so I wouldn’t interfere with his work, he tossed down his broom and trash scooper, grabbed me by the ear and proceeded to drag me around the park for no less than 10 minutes, taking pauses so people could snap photos of the smiley, but evil, short man holding me painfully against my will. My friends just laughed, pointed and clicked their cameras away as I flailed and tried to escape. They are no longer my friends. I eventually was released from Dopey’s iron grip, but what did I do this time to incur the wrath of a midget? At 5 feet, 5 inches tall, I thought I would have an affinity to his vertically-challenged self. Maybe he had a bad day, much like Eeyore. Or maybe he gets pleasure out of publicly embarrassing others. Regardless of what the angry employee behind the big-nosed, floppy-eared mask was feeling that day, my ear didn’t deserve his wrath. The latest of these assaults occurred just last week. I was volunteering at the Dallas Convention Center, wrangling Ike evacuees and serving lunch at a special “Meet the Texas Rangers” event. In attendance was the team mascot, “Rangers Captain.” Lame name, if you ask me. My fellow volunteers and I were waiting to get a photo with the horse when I turned around to hand my camera to a friend – it suddenly went dark. The horse mask’s open mouth had completely encased my head. Rangers Captain had tried to eat me. After struggling against the carnivorous costume, I successfully dislodged myself from the beast’s furry jaws and took off to the bathroom to account the damage done to my hair, but not before friends snapped evidence with their cameras. I certainly didn’t deserve to be assaulted this time. I was donating my blood, sweat and tears, trying to be a help to those in need and, in return, the mascot of a less-than-successful baseball team decides to make me a snack. While I can understand the mascot’s level of patience may have been tested by kids screaming and running around, again, why must I be the punching bag? I’m tired of being haunted and harassed by cartoons and make-believe childhood idols. People with anger issues shouldn’t be allowed near oversized gloves and furry overalls. Until the violence begins to recede, I’ve decided to steer clear of anyone decked out in a fictional character costume in fear that someday an upset Minnie Mouse is going to shank me. — Ray Edward Buffington IV is a journalism senior and a columnist for The Shorthorn. Correction Wednesday’s column “Evil Lurks Within” misidentified Winnie the Pooh. Views: 1368 | E-mail   Comments (1)  1  Written by John Doe, on 09-24-2008 12:36 Did the author just admit under age drinking in the article? Report Abuse Powered by AkoComment Tweaked Special Edition v.1.4.6 AkoComment © Copyright 2004 by Arthur Konze - www.mamboportal.com All right reserved

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